Back to Church.

 Yesterday, 

I revisited old habits, it's been seven months since I last stepped my feet in any church, With trembling hands, and tears filled in my eyes, I didn't know when I drove straight to church for the weekly prayers they normally do shortly after the new year. I remember this old habit that I disliked, I dislike the holding hands, the command in the preacher's voice and the screaming of the congregation, the manifestations of how the new year is meant to be different from the old ones, how the barren women shall give birth, sick shall not die, unemployed be employed, the single ones will marry. 

I remember the song my father sings every morning during devotions, 

     "Lord prepare me, A sanctuary, Pure and holy, Tried and true...

This is the same song the preacher is singing, I'm trying to remember the lyrics, but embarrassingly, I chew my tongue, I'm checking to see if anyone notices, after hearing it for the second time, I re-memorize the song, I remember my silent prayers for 1st position in secondary school that never came, the white Samsung I fasted till midnight to get, I remember the trivial and crucial things I prayed and fasted for as a child that never came, crucial at that point, trivial right now.

The pastor is asking that we open our hearts to his word, that we have to cleanse our hearts to let God in, But I couldn't pray, I tried to spring out the word "In Jesus' name..." and nothing comes out. I'm trying to remember in the first place, why am I here. Am I hypocritically running back to God cause of the issues pilling up in my head? am I looking for peace, can this gathering give me peace, am I here to test the waters? How long till I get tired and leave?

I am running out of patience, I am waiting to see, if I will hear a calm voice or see a bright star, or a sign so I will stay but the pastor is talking about how we need to do better in our giving to the church, the tithe giving, the Two offerings, the visitations and coming through for people that lack. I am still in deep thought, I say an "Amen" whenever he asks of it, and I keep listening at a point I bring out my book to write, and I don't write a single word, I nod when I have to, and when he said " If you know you are a sinner and you want to give your life to Christ, step forward" 

These are the issues, "What are Sins", Is it the black or white the bible says? Is it colors in between? Does it have to hurt someone for it to be categorized as Sin? what are the consequences? How long till we are forgiven, What are we promised for not sinning, how long till we meet face to face?

   I don't know how long it will take for me to unlearn certain habits, to learn new ones, I am not sure of how devoted I will be to anything or anyone, I don't know the resolutions I should make, I don't know what I should do next? The sudden cravings for a spiritual being to help in making better and deeper decisions, to help with peace and happiness. 

How long will this last?