I'll rather be alone

 I'll rather be alone 

I can't allow you have access to me anymore.

I hate that I'll have to be vulnerable for you to understand that I'm in love with you, I hate that being with you means that I have no control over my freedom, I hate that I'll have to change my choice of pronouns, I'll have to watch what I say to you, what I say about you, and what to say in public. I'll have to choose who to stay with as friends and neglect the boys that have pieces I want that you Don't have 

I hate that I'll have to keep hearing your voice in the morning and late at night. ill have to follow your instructions blindly like it makes sense, even if it robs me of my self-worth. I'll have to consider you, your family and friends in my decision.

I hate that the only time I'm allowed to be horny is when you are here, I hate that I'll have to keep having sex with you when I can have multiple urges with different men. I hate the way you suck my breast. I'm sure Emeka knows how to do it better!  but then you generally do it better. Choosing you will mean, I'll never get to find out who is best 

I'll rather be alone because it comes with undying freedom that you can't give to me. I mean I'm struggling with ADHD and high-key anxiety and I'm not the same person I was 10 minutes ago, I might mean this and Don't mean it the next, I might want you around but hate you the moment you walk at my door, there are days that I clamor my loneliness but then I can't have it cause I'll have to put your feelings next, days I feel like talking to Donald, or when your attention is too much or not enough, days I'm emotionally damaged and everything you say doesn't excite me, days I'm saying a lot and you can't seem to understand. Days I want you but you are far and unavailable. Days I just want to be alone but still want you to keep ringing my phone till you get scared and walk under the rain to get me. 

I'll rather be alone cause you will never understand me. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to dish out the same energy I give you. Cause I don't know if I want 50/50, 100/100, 60/40, 30/70, or just 69!!!