Letter to my mother : one year remembrance

Dear mama...

How are you? I'm sure you are good. Did you get to take your tea this morning? Is there enough milk? Is it hot, do you like it? ( I and Gye take tea every morning)

I promise not to cry...

Since you left. There is no day I Don't think of you, most times I cry, actually I cry every day. I cry when I see people's mothers, I cry during women's fellowship days, I cry when I hear your songs, I cry when a task is difficult when I Don't have anyone to talk to when I can't reach daddy when Gye is angry with me when Sarah is being a handful when there are good news, bad news or no news at all.

I try to forget the pain you felt when you fell ill. I Don't want to remember how strong you were, of you being in the hospital, I always try to remember your happy days, and most of them are when I make you proud, or when you are trying to make me happy. 

God, you are a wonderful woman!!!  I haven't hurt anyone more than the way I hurt you yet you always sweep it under the carpet. It has been a really hard mama. I hardly even cook for myself, I don't even take care of myself, I'm really just swinging it while forming that I'm hard and I don't need my mother. 

You listen to me to the bits, you know all my friends, all my lecturers and courses I didn't even like. How do you cope with all the boring never-ending discussions 

I'm angry sometimes that other people's mothers are alive and healthy while mine isn't here

I don't think I'm doing well with my emotions, sometimes I say things I don't  even mean, I don't keep to commitment, I go offline, I switch off my phone, I block people, I hide and lie to avoid confrontations and I just leave

Mama, I got a promotion. Baby last is now managing programs, training, and events at a big tech organization in Kaduna. I am sitting with big people and they are hearing me out. Isn't this what you prophesized, have you been smiling down at me? Do I make you proud? Do you dance when you see me making moves? Mama, I made my own money this year. It wasn't much, but it went a long way. Do you know how it feels? To be the brains behind many events at work

Sometimes in may, I taught podcasting to white people and these students were hearing me and thought that my podcast was inspirational. Started a blog and a podcast over 14k people combined are listening and reading. 

I'm also on the journey to publishing my book. Publishers are showing interest and anytime I talk to them, I cry because you would have known how best to handle them. You would have put keen interest. I can't wait for it to be punished for me to be on TV getting interviews, I always thought you will be standing watching me on TV to tell them that all this is impossible because of you. Because you listen to me every day, you hear my stories no matter how erotic, you laugh and smile with me and pick me up when I'm sad. 

I think of you when New songs drop, do you know My Peter Obi is finally coming out for the president, Jagaban also. I think of you when I'm discussing politics with my friends or I switch on Arise TV to watch. 

 Mama I have started gyming again. I Don't want to give room for diabetes to kick in, Doimen plays football every evening we are trying to live as healthy as we can, and I'm cutting down on food that will harm me. And I'm just here, not allowing emotions that aren't healthy to have their way here. 

The gym will soon give birth, I'm hoping it's a girl so I can name her whatever I want. CZAR is a big boy, he calls my name.  I absolutely love and adore him.]

I resigned from a lot of jobs Mama. You know what you say about “I should stop carrying the world in my head” I collected a lot of jobs I wasn't sure I could pull through, they hurt my pride and ego. I was so sad. I had to leave 

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over you. Sarah is growing, she misses you too. When. She fell ill I tried to play the game you play with her “I stare with my little eyes” and she wasn't following, am I playing it well?

Mama, sometimes I forget who I am. I forget that I'm your precious child. Oh the way you make me feel like nobody is above me, that I'm queen, I'm loved and special. 

I glow with pride whenever Gye calls me to ask about how to prepare some dish, how to do this, and that and it's proof that I've learned. I've learned so much from you. 

Mama, I'm scared of how I'm growing, how ill have to make my decisions!!!

Mama, I miss hearing your voice

The other night I was crying cause I couldn't find any audio with your voice on it, I couldn't remember how it was, how you call my name. 

I'm sad. I'm sad about the way the world just moves on. Like you didn't just leave me like you didn't live this earth with them like they didn't experience you like you weren't a wonder woman

I've not been the best version of myself since you left me. I picked bad habits, addictions, and friends, left them, made mistakes, and gained wisdom, but above all I choose myself 

It's been a year. I miss you. I'll give everything to have you right here. But you are not. 

I love you.