It's not you, it's me

 I’m packing my bags, I’m packing to meet you at the train station, the train leaves by 2:30 and it took me 50 minutes to realize that I’ll rather be where you are than be here.

It’s 2:30 and I’m smiling at you, you are not surprised, you keep looking at me, you love the way my body fits on the jumpsuits, you love the way my lips pop, you laugh at my unkempt hair, my rough eyebrow, and my carelessness.

You ask why I’m here, and I repeat the same words as yesterday when you came knocking at my door “it’s not you, it’s me” 

It's me that is aware of the “temporality of life” I’m aware that people leave, and nothing remains, I’m aware that I can love you now, and not love you tomorrow, I’m aware that we will fight and break up, I’m aware that I wouldn’t be the only one you will love on earth.

I know of my liabilities and carelessness, of my shabbiness and spontaneity. Of my indecisions and my loneliness.  

I know I don’t always make you cum, I bite your manhood during blow jobs, and I snore sometimes while you spoon me. Is it not me that moaned out “Bello’s name” the other night?

It's me that is full of uncertainties and why’s, of the ideal way I need to be loved or mishandled, of my “how’s” and “ifs” of the idea that grace doesn’t work blindly, or strong affection for my passion and the next ripping it off, of my depressions, anxieties and lack of trust. 

Of my “good things never locate me” 

The other man before the other man that left Cut my ego into pieces, gave me a world of sadness and bitterness to live in, fed my passion with termites to boost his ego, and ran my energy level around the streets, till I was called names I grew to love. 

He made me wear my sadness like a sleeve. 

When you say you are “different” I couldn’t believe you” it’s a thing for your gender to do. When you cried and begged me to follow you, I kept laughing cause I’m sure you know I’m not a child, when you opened yourself to tiny bits, I thought of it like fiction, when you said you have made plans, I cried. I cried bitterly cause I have never been any man’s plan. I was just a follow-up. 

When you said you like to imagine having a “mini-me” That is ours, when you said you don’t mind my carelessness cause it makes up for your OCD, I danced.  You said I was the worst writer you came across, and I lacked style. I laughed hard. Cause you have “Guts”  

You said you didn’t care a dime about my past, my vices, and addictions. I didn’t believe it.

I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t know why I parked my bags too, I don’t know where we are headed, I don’t know how we will survive, I don’t know for how long.

I don’t expect loyalty or compromise, I don’t expect undying love, wavering happiness, I don’t expect trust!!! 

I just know that I’m here. I’m here for the now, and it’s okay to cancel your plans later. 

After-all. It’s not entirely you, nor me. It’s the universe