Suicide Note

Dear Arthur 

You are probably tired of me saying “it’s not you, it’s me” 

But have you ever been so tired, that you doubt the reason for your existence? I’m not mad at the world or how it functions, I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore 

I’ve seen how unpredictable life can be, I’ve seen tragic flaws, I’ve seen success, I’ve admired it, I have found love, I know happiness, I know sadness, I’ve worked, I’ve toiled the land…And I don’t want to do that anymore. 

I’m tired of the pressure, I’m scared too, I am physically tired of opening my mouth, I’m tired of the voices banging in my head, I’m tired of emptying the sniper bottles in the toilet, dragging myself out of the pool of blood caused by my razor, of rambling thoughts, of intrusive moments, of fear that I might never amount to something, of trying to try, of remembering her and all the happiness we would have shared. I might never get over her.

I’m incredibly tired and I’m tired of wearing a mask, I’m tired of believing in things, in people, in supreme beings, in the hustle, in you. I’m tired of waking up every day to convince myself that I need to survive because of you. I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried religion, I’ve tried finding love, I’ve tried finding happiness in what I do, in helping people, in my success stories. 

I wish you happiness untold, success, love, joy, and most importantly peace. I don’t care if you remember me as a hero, or count my names among women who wrote, sang, helped, or changed an ideology. I don’t care if I’m forgotten completely and my name was never mentioned. I don’t care if all you do after I die is burn candles in my father's house, I don’t care if every week you post that I was a “good person” 

I have taken the last origin in this bar, I’ve had the 3 sums I’ve always fantasized about, burnt some tress and almost choked to death. I’ve seen my father smile at me like I’m a prize, I’ve seen my sisters one last time. In another life, I will choose my family again, and if I don’t have that choice, I’ll pick my mother over and over again.

I’ve tried Arthur and I'm  tired