ALJANU

 I hear your trembling voice, I recognize it ten minutes before you possess me. 

A friend asked me to explain what happens in my head when you visit. 

  This is how I feel, I feel so weak I begin to tremble, you mumble many words and I try to shut you up, what do you mean "You own me" and my world revolves around you, you laugh, you scare me, you make me scream, run and climb things I don't know, You don't care if I am in class, with my lover, at home, at work, you don't just care. Last week, you came in with your cousin and made me say things I didn't understand, you made me cry and fall my knees to the ground. I HATE YOU. 

I'm sorry, I hate the imam more, I hate the mumbling of these prayers and the effects it has on me, I hate the way people gather to save me, I hate the fear in their eyes when they see me, I hate that you let them have access to me.

I was six when she told me about you, she held me so tight and told me " The world will be unfair to me" She told me the beauty and brains I have is only attributed to you, she said this whimpering, she didn't wait to see me experience you, it could be the unimaginable hurt and shame that comes with being me, she left 2 years later, did you take her life? 

I love the sound of dripping water, balloons, and the taste of clay, I love to be by myself, you love it when I'm alone, you hate the way he looks at me, you hate that he loves me, you want me all by yourself, so you take the joy and the glory of my achievement and make a show of yourself. 

Sometimes I love the way you love me, I love the way you make everything come with ease, and how loyal you are to me, I want to touch you and feel your face, I want to bask in the moment with you, I want you to love me softly, I want you, not your cousins, I never love the way you visit with tons of your friends and family. I love when you come alone and caress my body to orgasms, how you make me feel like I can conquer generations, how you make cooking, bathing, working, and excelling so easy you make my world so easy.

    I am going to tell people that you aren't as bad as they make you seem, I am going to tell them that you mean well to me and that without you I am unable to conquer anything... 

But I cant, so I stay quiet and avoid consistency. That's the only way I know how to live