I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.

 Today I struggled to wash the 5 plates on the sink. 

I did that while wailing, pausing, holding my chest while it burns, cramps and ache . 

I thought I was totally fine when you asked what I wanted and I said “ I don’t want you anymore” like I knew what I was doing when I decided to switch careers, leave my fathers house and stop talking with my siblings.

I struggled to sweep the room too, it looked bigger, i suddenly don’t know how to raise the bed, stool or carry heavy stuffs hindering my way. I break down and cry after thinking about your last message “ thank you”. The thank you was for what? For letting you go? For saying I don’t want you? For making this mistake… I imagine you happily asking her out now, or paying her dowry, I imagine you getting married and sending me an invitation since I promised that we could still be friends.

I struggled to eat the one piece of biscuits and warm milk I kept by the bed side for survival. I pulled my head up so I don’t stain the milk with tears, I smiled, and laughed while crying. I thought of us, I thought of us in my hometown, I remembered us, I remembered how disappointed my parents were when they caught you on top of me at my aunts house, the house I was told to take care of, I thought of how your erection fails you whenever I’m close, how it failed you the day I told you my mother died and how embarrassing it was for us. I laughed at our jokes, your dry ones, the hurt and pain, the circles, the truths, the lies, and the sex, that was so true, I travelled miles every week to get the taste of you, till my skin down there hurts and I have to take a break, of the role playing, the drama, the porn, the squeeze, and the suck…. It sucks leaving you. 

It’s not that I don’t love you, I don’t love myself enough to show you the love you are meant to have, the one you are used to, the one that makes you believe in love, and me. The one that made our hearts sang, hands interlocked and made sweet love. The one I cherish.  How am I suppose to love you like this with all this baggage? How am I suppose to love you, knowing that I’m fighting everyday to be alive, that I no longer have the strength to cook for you, crack jokes, pray with you and open my legs wide like a book you can’t wait to reach the ending. 

I thought of boxing today, I just want to throw wasted fists in the air, on the bag, on myself, punch till I’m bruised and i’m taken home, or get someone to do the honors, punch me, pound, till I’m bruised… then I’ll realize how much of a fool I’ve become, how wrong I am to let this sickness get a hold of me. 

I’m holding my stomach like it’s the reason why I’m letting you go, I’m holding my cheeks too, seeing how much weight I’ve put on, what do you want to do with a shapeless girl like me even? Why do you want me? What is it about me that is there to like? I struggle to get up, struggle to eat, hardly picks your call, never returns them, you haven’t seen my naked body in a year, you don’t seem to care. I’m a shadow

Of what you used to love, but still you want me? 

I don’t know how long this aching will last, how long I’ll see your pictures and be happy that you have moved on, how long I’ll keep procrastinating about hiding in my shelf, how long till I get better. 

I love you enough to shield you from me, you deserve peace, you deserve happiness, you deserve to be with someone that is excited about living and about being with you also… 

I will you love you forever and never stop. 

Goodbye Francis