Letter to my mother

 Letter to my mother

Hi mama,

It’s been two years, it’s been very hard. It’s been hard to keep up, and everyday I see traces of you, I think of what you did, how you did it, and how you would have done it now. Last year I wrote you a lengthy letter, telling you about the promotion, about Gyes baby and how well everyone at home is…it was such a beautiful one..this year Is different and I’ll talk only about me . Thankfully everyone is fine. 

Daami, this year has been very hard. Difficult, that sometimes I don’t want to wake up from sleep, too hard I barely sleep, I barely do anything. All my strength left me, the zest and inspirations to do anything left me. I haven’t been the person you raised, I’ve been struggling keeping my mind afloat and not giving up. It’s been so hard 

Some nights I hear you, telling me to stand up and bath, wash the dishes, sweep the house, wear a dress and go out, sometimes you shout “ this isn’t the sim I know”  I hear you, I feel you, sometimes it’s very hard to get past what I’ve been through, past my mistakes, the betrayal, the heartbreak, the scorn, the shame and everything that I have become this past few year. It’s hard mama, it’s very hard

I didn’t come to complain , I’m here to tell you how easier it would have been if you were here, if you could just pick the call and show me directions, if you could force me to stand up and keep fighting, show me who to keep as friends and who to leave, who to date, who to take serious, when to quit, when to start another job, when to switch careers, when to stop!!! 

Mama I’m just a baby, I’m still your baby, navigating life without you is so hard. But I have seen goods goodness and how he is giving me another chance. I promise not to let go of his hands, I promise to look up to him and obey. 

I can’t stop thinking about you, writing and erasing, holding my chest while I whimper. You are the most important person in my life. My number one person. 

I miss you, I miss waking up to give you your hot tea, I miss how we share our favorite flavors of Pringles, and the snacks you bring home to me, I miss listening to you, you won’t believe it but I miss hearing you talk about union bank and your mother, and how Zaria was in the 1970’s, I also miss driving you around, taking you to your frequent hospital visits, I miss the endless chores and the advise, I miss the punishment and the long advise you give when I wrong you. I miss preparing groundnut soup for you. I miss picking an outfit for you, I miss holding your hands everywhere. I miss you…. 

As I grow older I now understand why you became so quiet, and why it isn’t everything you choose to talk about, how you mind your business and keep few friends, I understand a lot of things, they are clearer, I understand the tantrums, (Sarah lives with me now) I understand the challenge, I understand how being a woman is, being a mother, being you is. 

I know you will see this. I’m making promises, the next time I’ll write, I’ll know nothing of depression and constant sadness, I’ll be so much better, I’ll be focused and have an idea of what I am doing and where I am going. 

I love you Rose, I love you so much. Keep resting