Staring @ Thirty.

 This is what it feels like to stare at 30. A rush of emotions overwhelms you every time you think of it. You cringe at the one time you almost begged for love, or a career path you swore was the best to lead you to financial freedom. You drink water more often, your back and waist fail you, and you no longer rush to reply to messages or invitations. You imagine what tomorrow looks like before you sleep, and you think of what could have been every night.

You still think of yourself as the most beautiful person to have ever walked on this earth. You don't pretend to care; you either care or don't. Your phone is constantly on DND, and you are so much at peace with it. You don't keep grudges; sometimes you forget to take things personally. Health is paramount, and for the rest of the night, you clamor for what new health trend to follow.

You no longer want to talk; you just want to thrust and trust later. Your body is a country and a temple, so you let them wash themselves properly before they come in. Your orgasms matter, and unhealthy relationships have to go.

Family is priceless still, but no longer a fortune. You are the fortune now, and putting yourself first is crucial. You are working towards making your mind a stream; things come and go, and what flows, flows. You no longer sit to hear people make decisions about your life. You imagine them saying things for their perception and their pressure. You are hijacking your life and decisions. You laugh at these because imagine making your decisions due to their perceptions, and they then die.

You don't let anyone pressure you. You will take pride in all the things that make you, and all the things you have been given and worked tirelessly for. You will wear that dress over and over again and plate your hair in cornrows at every given opportunity.

You are now aware that you don't really have many options like social media says. These relationships you have built with people are what you will need to navigate the world later. You also know which ones are worth trying, worth fighting, and worth leaving.

The tea should be hot and filled, less sugar. The music shouldn't be loud. Deliberate skin care products to stop acne and help the wrinkled eyes. Your eyes bleed water sometimes. The night is no longer young, and you can't wait to go home. The quality is always better, and you would rather spend on comfort than high-end fashion.

You now have a hint of what men are about. It’s simple maths, if he likes you he will show effort, the best way to deal with men is not to focus on them, they are mere characters in your story, You alone will choose who stays. You accept shitty behaviors because you can, learn to remove yourself from situations that doesn’t serve you. It will never be your responsibility to make him feel better about decisions he made. You now know better. Your instincts are always right. 

You think of home a lot. You miss the smell of wet sand, the hibiscus falling on the large compound at home, the laughter, and how simple life was. You don't want to go back, but unfortunately, that's the only time your mother was alive. Sitting on the long couch and asking you to draw her legs, bring a cup of tea, pick up the call, or change the channel. Sometimes it's the Pringles and chocolates you share with her that you miss the most. Other times, it's the simplest of things, the outrage when she finds out you have exhausted her data and credit. You cry when you miss your mother.

But you are a year older now. Things are changing, and you are changing too. Some things still remain: your large heart, your smart brain, and your soft bum."