100 dates…

( 5th Date)

I asked you what you thought about love ..

We were seated in my car, these were long hours after I had contemplated and second guessed my existence on earth, just an hour before I convinced myself to drop the rat poison down, shove it aside, maybe I’ll get back to that after this date, convincing myself that I’ll give today a try. I thought of my new job and the narrative I’ll leave behind if the news of my death broke out. I thought of Joshua how even though we haven’t been together in years , I am very aware of how it will break him, I didn’t think of my family, I thought of everyday people around me, the man I collect N3,000 daily from his Pos to refill my fuel and complain a little about how the subsidy is bad, my friendly gateman who is always willing to work, the nurse that lives five houses away from mine, the mechanic, my mechanic whom I’m not sure is aware of his position. If I thought of my family then it will only be my nieces and nephews.

It wasn’t your call that made me drop the rat poison, it’s the anticipation of your call to say you are waiting for me, or you are sorry you received an impromptu call from church or your mother. I kept waiting although time was moving slowly and I wanted to remove myself from the thought of taking my life away from you. So I rushed to the car and as usual, I am always earlier to our date it bothers me so much cause in the grand scheme of things, I am only exhibiting “pick me “ attitude . 

On my drive to you, I thought of driving back home to shower again, maybe waste so much time, I didn’t. Instead I played a Christian gospel song and a minute into it, I changed it to Beyoncé then to young Jon, then to shallipopi, I couldn’t decide which song will set the mood for me, I was battling this and dodging excessive pot holes but I didn’t mind cause somehow in minutes, I’ll be having conversations that will remove me from thinking about how much chaos I am involved in and how much help I need but can’t seem to  bring myself brave enough to admit it or talk to anyone willing to help me out of it .

I was nervous when you came into the car, I can’t remember what emotion my face portrayed, if I smiled or not but you entered and you smiled , you complimented my flowery dress and I just began to drive. 

I love being close to the water it releases anxiety, I am amazed at how much power the water has over me, but I don’t tell you this. Instead I act like it’s your idea we are here.I tell you to take me closer to it, if i wasn’t trying to let you like me, or let myself forgive myself enough to like you. I would have taken off my shoes and dipped them inside the water and asked you to take portraits of me. I laughed so hard at your joke and each conversation that requires me to laugh. I am careful cause you are smart and can spot a lie from a far, so I either omit the story or say half of it. 

We hold hands while we talk about a lot of things , your idea on religion and christianity, family and trauma and my heart squirmed when marriage conversation came up. I want to tell you how terrified I am about it, how I am aware that love doesn’t equate to marriage and how everything doesn’t stop because you are in love but you will ask me how I know this so I keep quiet and hear you talk about how you want to marry young, how when you find the right one everything will fit right. I am scared of how excited you are to talk about these things, I am scared of how highly you think of me and how you think I am  capable of conforming.

I want to pull your chair down and let you relax,   Maybe draw you closer and drink your lips to find out if this is what I am looking for and if I am capable of kissing this lips for a long time, but I didn’t, I kept nodding and smiling, and saying yes, and adding my tiny bits to your perfect ideas, ideas that scares me, that feels too far for me to reach, that feels so smart and accurate and could make every other girl swoon.

I want to tell you that these butterflies only flutter cause you met me months ago, I want to tell you what I know about love, if you ask I’ll say love is love, it’s difficult, it’s constantly making difficult decisions to stay regardless, love needs space, needs time, it needs to understand and forgive, love needs lies and heavy truths.

Love needs finances, it needs sex, how can you have sex with empty stomachs? it needs to accept that priories change, it need privacy, and requires the right to privacy. 

Love makes you realize how people are terrible in being people, and how the person you hold in high esteem is just another big fool. In love you don’t choose a side to see, you realize that this person has the right to anger, to foolishness, to lies to hurt  to cry, to think and leave just like you. 

Sometimes it makes your heart grow kindly, you no longer rely on yourself for happiness, love holds your decisions in its Palms and does what it wants to do. And the worst thing about it it’s giving everything you have and not expecting a thing in return. 

But I don’t say that, I don’t say anything. I listen to you say the easiest thing about love, how it is beautiful, how it is needed and even though it’s difficult, it is needed. 

I think it through, I think about what we could be, I get distracted by the phone calls, I tried to focus again but I can’t. I want to tell you I have to go, and I have to go. So I tell you it’s something important, and you hug me tightly. 

On my drive home, I delete our chats, I delete your number and I block you, I cry through the drive and I convince myself. This heart isn’t capable yet, this heart needs to focus, needs healing, till then. I’ll pour this emotions to poetry.