LETTER TO MAMA PART 5

 It’s July again!

I dread this month a lot and I always ask what calamity is to befall again?

I’ll be 30! And this isn’t how I imagined my 30th will be! And I never imagined that you won’t be here when I throw the most glamorous 30th Birthday ever! 

Work has been great, I’ve held positions I never imagined I would that I sometimes become so ungrateful and forget where it is I am coming from and how hard I’ve prayed for it. 

Nigeria is a big mess! I wish I wasn’t living in it! It makes one more anxious, and spend without earning it t back’ I’ve tried to invest and do my best with savings! It’s hard to do this here but I’m still trying! 

How was your 30th like? What did you do on that day? Did you celebrate it? Were you anxious about it? Did you feel accomplished? Grown? Did you feel the need to do more? These are the things I wished I asked not "How do you know if a man truly loves you" So childish and foolish of me

Magg swears that things will be better for us in our 30’s! Is this true? I am pregnant with hope for the next years still I’m not sure what I am doing? And the worst? I still feel like I am 16 and this body doesn’t belong to me! I sometimes crave to party till 4am! Play in a trampoline, have heavy crush on boys and keep malice with people! So it doesn’t really feel like I’m 30!

Right Now, I’m jealous of other 30years old!  It feels like I’ve known some of them all my life or watched them all my life and I’m constantly seeing their growth. They have moved cities, gotten bigger jobs, moved abroad, married, gotten kids, gotten this and that. And I’m still here, Hustling my way around this city

I dont feel like I am 30,I still battle to take a stand on things, to be completely sure and to stand by it.I’m ashamed to tell you that I don’t know a lot of things.

You won’t believe this, I’ve spent my adult praying I stop being skinny just to be end up hating my fat body and putting everything aside to get back to being skinny, letting go of my favorite food in the world makes this life less worth living. I am dieting and I feel so sad and emotional knowing you had to do this  for years because of your health. A whole me is rethinking my choice of eating bread today, cutting down sugar and intentionally skipping just to get back in shape and be healthy. 

It’s the 10th day of march and I want to tell you. Patience is hard! It’s so hard! I want more. I deserve more. I want to earn more, do more and be more. I cried so hard holding my pillows to my chest, calling your name cause I know If you hear me cry you will do everything possible and impossible to stop the thing causing me this so much pain. Thats how much love you shown me on your days on earth, and I’m such a fool for sometimes thinking it was too much and I needed some freedom from your protection. 

I’m more like you than I admit, it seems like I exist for other people, I am fighting to be heard and considered these days, I try to argue too even though if I listen close enough to who I’m arguing with I tend to understand, because that’s what I am made up! Molecules and molecules of understanding, so i shut my ear and keep it going, me too! I want to be listened to! 

How many more heartbreaks, dissapointments, failures till I’m over it, am I too patient? Am I not patient? Am I always overthinking? Am I not thinking enough? Am I revisiting each situation hoping to learn from you, or just projecting? It’s harder now, I could have easily asked you and we gauge the situation, or you could have just woken me up at night and expressed yourself. But we can’t, and that’s what makes it harder for me. 

I have also gauged situations for myself and realized that I am the Architect of my life, and when I say nobody is coming to save me I do not mean It in a way that says my siblings and friends wouldn't save me in ways that they can, I mean that at the end of the day, I am the one who has to live with the consequences of my choices. I am the one who has to get out of bed, heal, forgive, learn, apply for the opportunity, have the difficult conversation, leave what no longer serves me, and build the life I want for myself. Lord knows my family can support me, but they cannot substitute for my sole responsibility. They can offer advice, but they cannot make my final decisions. Understanding this has started to make me a better person, and I wish I knew and practiced this earlier. 

I wrote down a list of things you will be proud of me for

1. I now eat healthy food, I don’t just eat them, I prepare them and I look forward to it. 

2. I am learning, almost almost learnt to say no

3. I own a thriving bookclub

4. I have great jobs, and I’m a boss at one. 

5. I don’t leave plates at the sink. 

6. I try to get counsel now before I embark on my side quest.

7. I wear night gowns.

8. I check the security light before I sleep 

9. I own multiple bed sheets, and I can’t stop buying them. 

10. I make the perfect tuwon shinkafa 

11. I don’t overspice my food

12. My phone is on silent, doesn’t make any of those sound you hated. 

13. I don’t have alarms anymore. 

14. I drink tea in the biggest cup possible 

15. I care about the news 

16. I hate rice with all my gut.

17. He made me like okro and I’m the best at it now. 

18. I communicate with my sibilings more, you need to hear us gist. 

19. I eat food when it’s in season. 

20. I can make targe without wasting bowls

21. I bought new pots 

22.  My thighs now rub on each other 

23. Taking Garri with ice changes the taste, I love it so much now

24. The new paint in my room makes me sleep better 

25. I love crackers so much now 

26. I travelled to Kaf for work and I bought Fura and Nono to eat later! 

27. I have learnt to stop sharing. People are wicked! 

28. I eat fish now, took me this long to realize how much I love sardines, I always get them when grocery shopping. 

29. I haven’t used any attachment colour other than black since 2022. 

30. I published two new papers

At the same 

The truth is I feel lost without you. It would have made a lot of sense if you were here, we would probably be alternating weekends with you now. You will be right here while I read all the research I have done over the years or even gist you about everything that goes on at work. I miss you and I can never move on, Its not a cliche when I say I know that you are looking down at me and making sure everything goes well and I am never at zero. I must have disappointment you so many times and I am sorry, its so hard living here, everything is now hard and for people like me whose first motivation and end goal isn't money, earth is becoming somehow to live in.

I don't believe that I am different or exceptionally special. I love myself now more than ever before and I am special to myself. My worth is internal, and I have defined it. I am not holding on to the hope that someone will come and see that worth. I have decided to start living my life irrespective of what comes or what doesn't. My life isn't on hold, and I will live a beautiful life.

Thank you for holding space for me to be whoever I want to be, for teaching, listening and letting me define life for myself, till I take my last breath here too, I will forever be grateful to you. 

Your grandkids are on fire, Czar graduated today, Zira is so intelligent and sings to me everytime she calls me, Gyenow will grow up to be a writer. 

We all miss you, Thank You for loving us dearly.